When the Love You Feel Doesn’t Match the Love You Show

For quite some time now, I have been battling a mystery illness. For years I have had off the wall symptoms and for months we have been looking for the cause as my symptoms continue to get worse. This post is not about my illness or who can guess what’s wrong with me. This post is about my husband, my children and those around me.

I love that I get to be a homemaker. I have an opportunity that a lot of moms don’t have. I get to wake up everyday and make our house a home. I get to daydream about the decorations I will make, the chocolate cake I will make every year for our children’s birthdays, the handwritten notes I will send in their lunch boxes, the clean house and warm dinner I will have ready for my husband when he gets home from working hard all day, the flowers we will plant and watch grow, the pets we will love on, the memories we will make as we have friends over, the forts we will make and the sleepovers we will have. And these dreams make me so happy! My heart just overflows with love and the thought of having a family that is close and has open communication. I love knowing that I have the very important job of making our home a safe haven to express our emotions and decompress in. The trouble with this lately is…. tends to stop at the dream phase.

Last night I went to the coffee shop to do some work for the Usborne Book business I just started (yet another thing I do to cater to my illness….to keep my mind off of it and earn money to pay the unending medical bills) and this morning when I asked our 4 year old how her night was and if she was ready for a great day at school, her answer made my heart shatter into a million pieces. She replied hesitantly, “I kiiinnddaa like dad more than yooouuu…..” I calmly asked her what daddy does that she wished I would do for her and she said, “He be’s nice to me.”

Well, that was hard to hear. I don’t know how I took it so calmly (probably the fatigue I’m fighting), but it made me think. A lot. Like women already do all the time anyway. I started thinking about how being sick has totally taken over my life and it is effecting those around me. My quest to find an answer has come before my family. My mood swings are becoming intolerable for those under my own roof. The safe haven I am supposed to be creating is crumbling before my very eyes.

How is it that I spend at least half of my day daydreaming about all of the wonderful things I want to do for my family to show them I love them and how I can’t wait to give them a big ol hug after school and how they are growing so fast and I’m so sad because of it……but what they see is a mean mom. A mom who doesn’t have time for them, is too tired for them, has to leave them and change their routine so she can go to yet another doctor’s appointment. They see me and they don’t understand because I don’t look sick. I’m not sneezing or coughing or holding my belly due to a belly ache. I have no scratches or needs for a Band-Aid.

Is it up to me to tough through it and stop searching for answers in order to restore peace in our home or is it up to me to tough through it until we find an answer so I can get better for my family? It’s really a toss up. Until I decide, I guess I will work on “be’s-ing nice” to our kids so they don’t hate me.

 

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The “Definition” of Parenting

What does being a parent really mean? Why is being a parent so hard?

We’ve heard it a million times. Our children are not born with an instruction manual. Only they are. The bible. If you don’t consider yourself a Christian, hang in here with me. I will mostly be referencing the dictionary believe it or not. Common definitions of words you use everyday.Ready, this is going to be a doozy (definition: something outstanding or unique of it’s kind).

Definitions to be included are:

  • Discipline
  • Disciple
  • Guide
  • Practice
  • Training
  • Punishment

I’ll start with discipline. Discipline is one of the many hats a parent wears daily. One of those things we don’t really know how to do, but we are constantly doing. There are Facebook arguments, news stories, articles and many coffee chats about how to discipline your child and how -so and so- isn’t doing it right. Right?

dis·ci·pline
noun
1.
the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience

So, how do we “train” or “correct” our kids? What “rules” do they need to follow? What is the correct form of “punishment?”

I can’t directly answer that for you. I can’t tell you if your child is allowed to have a Snickers bar for breakfast or if they are allowed to sit on the counter and eat in the living room. We get SO frustrated because we don’t know how to pick the “rules” that will mold a child into a responsible, productive member of society. Then when we finally feel good about our rules, we struggle with how to stay consistent with them! That’s way too much to put on a human who makes mistakes! Are you guys with me? *stress*

Let’s look at a word that is hidden, but not very well…..in the word DISCPILine. Yes I typed it funky like that on purpose. DISCIPLE is in the word DISCIPLINE! Wowza! The things we miss…..

dis·ci·ple
noun
a personal follower of Jesus during his life, especially one of the twelve Apostles.

a follower or student of a teacher, leader, or philosopher.

We all think of  Jesus’ 12 disciples.

What did they do?

They followed Jesus, they made mistakes, they lacked faith and they even denied Jesus. Sound a little bit like us? Sound a little bit like our children?

As parents we are to be disciples and we are to guide our mini disciples. We are constantly learning from Jesus through our mistakes and our children are constantly learning from us through their mistakes (and ours, unfortunately). But our ultimate goal everyday should be to follow Jesus first and apply his lessons to our parenting. We should be raising these children to have minds of their own, not to follow rules even if they don’t understand them. One day they may not have us as a physical guide but they will remember the lessons we taught them. If they only remember one lesson, I hope it is that God is our guide and he sent Jesus to not only forgive our sins but to guide us in our daily living. He physically walked this Earth and he was a daily representation of how we should act and react.

guide
noun
1.
a person who advises or shows the way to others.
“this lady is going to act as our guide for the rest of the tour”
synonyms: escort, attendant, tour guide, docent, cicerone;

Notice that a guide is someone who advises or shows the way (leaving the student open to CHOOSE), not forces the way. Just saying.

Side Note: If we ever question what the right thing is…..we can look in the Word and find our answer. Always.

If you have never opened the bible (or even if you have but got overwhelmed), I encourage you to start with the 10 commandments:

ten-commandments-kids-wall-quote-4

         http://www.enchantingquotes.com/tencoki1.html

Now- how should our kids be “punished” if they do not obey?

Punishment
1
: the act of punishing
2
a : suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution
b : a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure
3
: severe, rough, or disastrous treatment

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS STICKY. This is where moms stop becoming friends because they don’t agree on how to punish their children. This is where news stories start because a mom did or didn’t punish their children correctly. Oh boy.

Ok, this is just from personal opinion. Take it or leave it. But I find that this world can be punishment enough sometimes. (I am NOT saying never punish your children!!) We live in a harsh world and it has a way of reminding us of that often.

This is my take on it. I consider a home to be a safe landing. I believe it should be a place to come to when we are feeling emotion of any kind. If we are sad, we can come home. If we are happy, we can come home. If we are feeling lost, we can come home. If we want our home to truly be this place for our children, we need to serve as their GUIDE instead of the DICTATOR. The world will punish them enough. If they steal, they will be punished in one way or another. If they commit adultery, this world will find a way to punish them. Have we all not experienced trials? Have a lot of them been a result of our misguided actions? If not, were we hurt by someone who was misguided? Did that person’s parent try their best to guide them according to the bible and commandments?

prac·tice

1.
the actual application or use of an idea, belief, or method as opposed to theories about such application or use.
“the principles and practice of teaching”
synonyms: application, exercise, use, operation, implementation, execution More
2.
repeated exercise in or performance of an activity or skill so as to acquire or maintain proficiency in it.
“it must have taken a lot of practice to become so fluent”
synonyms: training, rehearsal, repetition, preparation; More
verb
1.
perform (an activity) or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one’s proficiency

No matter which definition you look at they all carry the same message: the repeated application of an idea with the goal of improving or maintaining our proficiency. Parenting takes practice. Heck, being a human takes practice. It will til our last day. We need to make peace with that and accept the fact that we are always practicing at life and at parenting.

train·ing

the action of teaching a person or animal a particular skill or type of behavior.

synonyms: instruction, teaching, coaching, tuition, tutoring, guidance, schooling, education, orientation

I love that synonyms like coaching, tutoring and guidance are listed! I can’t recall many times that a math tutor showed up and started barking orders at the student! Tutors usually sit next to the student and guide them in figuring out math problems. This is often done in a library – quietly. It is much more effective to whisper a lesson than to yell it over and over again. Ever notice how kids don’t want to pay attention to you until you are sitting down quietly, ready to relax?! It is hard to avoid stress when dealing with children on a daily basis…..be kind to yourself as well. Remember the previous definition was PRACTICE! This takes practice.

That being said, sometimes we do have to “guide” our children with a little more force than we would like to.

Correction and Protection (link here)

A shepherd carries a rod and a staff, which he uses in different ways for different reasons. The rod is just a big, long stick with a little knob or bud at the top of it. A staff has more of a hook at the end of it.
The shepherd will practice endlessly so that he’ll be able to accurately chuck that rod at a predator or even at an unruly sheep to keep it in line. Sometimes an animal will wander off too far from the others. The staff is used to hook a wayward sheep and lead it back into the fold. At other times, it’s used as an examining tool to check the animals for parasites or other ailments.

The Holy Spirit sometimes has to use a rod of correction on us, doesn’t He? And it’s good to know that whenever we lose our way, He will use His staff to lovingly and gently guide us back onto the right path. -Joyce Meyer

 

 

 

 

I Hope My Kids Get Hurt

For those of you reading because you thought, “WHAT kind of mom could possibly WANT her children to get HURT?” Welcome and thank you for joining in on the conversation. 🙂

I promise I don’t abuse my kids or support dictator type parenting styles. I am not some sick mom who doesn’t worry about my kids and what they will come across in this harsh world. In fact, I think I am a good mom for wanting my kids to get hurt. Let me explain.

Through my own struggles, I have come to a season in my own life where I am learning to use those struggles as strengths. And how fitting that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, because I am actually very thankful for my trials. Let me rephrase that. I am very thankful for a loving God who has pulled me up out of those trials and blessed me tremendously with people that are willing to be broken with me.

The abusive relationships (both physically and mentally), the unfaithful partners, the back stabbing friends, the loneliness, the divorce, the tragic events, the hurt, the alcohol, the money spending addiction, the postpartum depression, the anxiety attacks, the constant moving, the blended families, the loss, the untrustworthy doctors…..all of it. I’m thankful for all of it.

Ok, now maybe you may trust that I don’t abuse my kids but are thinking I must be a special kind of crazy to be THANKFUL for all of this hurt!

Guys, how on EARTH would I be able to describe to unbelievers how amazing my God is without relating to them in their deepest hurt, looking into their teary eyes and telling them that I serve a loving and forgiving God? A God who shows grace and forgives us even when we don’t feel like we deserve it. A God who is always with us even when we think we are completely alone in this world. A God who loves us no matter how badly we have screwed up. A God who brings good out of EVERYTHING.

Do I WANT to watch my kids cry or panic or feel lost? Absolutely not!! But I desperately want them to feel the deepest kind of love I have ever felt in my entire life and that love comes from God. The One who sees us through EVERY hurt. I am only human as a mother, and I can’t be everywhere. I can, however, bring my children to the lap of a God who CAN. The greatest gift I could ever give to them is the gift of salvation and the feeling of knowing that someone who loves them is with them EVERY second of EVERY day.

file-nov-23-11-00-39-am

I used to consider myself a person of controlled emotion. I never showed emotion in front of anyone and was seen as the girl who could handle anything and have a stable reaction. I RARELY got angry or acted out. Although, that may have seemed ideal growing up, I know better now. Humans were not created to be strong. They were created with emotions; each one serving a purpose. We are not capable of holding it all in. We will explode.

Feeling emotions is very healthy! I just love seeing people express emotions. Hugging, crying, smiling, laughing. I am still working on showing these but I sure am learning the value in sharing these with those I love. Even when I’m hurt, I pray that my children never have to wonder how I’m feeling, how I feel towards them, how I feel about strangers or how I feel towards God. ❤