When the Love You Feel Doesn’t Match the Love You Show

For quite some time now, I have been battling a mystery illness. For years I have had off the wall symptoms and for months we have been looking for the cause as my symptoms continue to get worse. This post is not about my illness or who can guess what’s wrong with me. This post is about my husband, my children and those around me.

I love that I get to be a homemaker. I have an opportunity that a lot of moms don’t have. I get to wake up everyday and make our house a home. I get to daydream about the decorations I will make, the chocolate cake I will make every year for our children’s birthdays, the handwritten notes I will send in their lunch boxes, the clean house and warm dinner I will have ready for my husband when he gets home from working hard all day, the flowers we will plant and watch grow, the pets we will love on, the memories we will make as we have friends over, the forts we will make and the sleepovers we will have. And these dreams make me so happy! My heart just overflows with love and the thought of having a family that is close and has open communication. I love knowing that I have the very important job of making our home a safe haven to express our emotions and decompress in. The trouble with this lately is…. tends to stop at the dream phase.

Last night I went to the coffee shop to do some work for the Usborne Book business I just started (yet another thing I do to cater to my illness….to keep my mind off of it and earn money to pay the unending medical bills) and this morning when I asked our 4 year old how her night was and if she was ready for a great day at school, her answer made my heart shatter into a million pieces. She replied hesitantly, “I kiiinnddaa like dad more than yooouuu…..” I calmly asked her what daddy does that she wished I would do for her and she said, “He be’s nice to me.”

Well, that was hard to hear. I don’t know how I took it so calmly (probably the fatigue I’m fighting), but it made me think. A lot. Like women already do all the time anyway. I started thinking about how being sick has totally taken over my life and it is effecting those around me. My quest to find an answer has come before my family. My mood swings are becoming intolerable for those under my own roof. The safe haven I am supposed to be creating is crumbling before my very eyes.

How is it that I spend at least half of my day daydreaming about all of the wonderful things I want to do for my family to show them I love them and how I can’t wait to give them a big ol hug after school and how they are growing so fast and I’m so sad because of it……but what they see is a mean mom. A mom who doesn’t have time for them, is too tired for them, has to leave them and change their routine so she can go to yet another doctor’s appointment. They see me and they don’t understand because I don’t look sick. I’m not sneezing or coughing or holding my belly due to a belly ache. I have no scratches or needs for a Band-Aid.

Is it up to me to tough through it and stop searching for answers in order to restore peace in our home or is it up to me to tough through it until we find an answer so I can get better for my family? It’s really a toss up. Until I decide, I guess I will work on “be’s-ing nice” to our kids so they don’t hate me.

 

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