Being a Believer During Times of Uncertainty

You haven’t heard from me in over a week and considering the excitement I had over the “25 Days of December” series (I promise I will get those last two posts out!!!), this is kind of weird, right? Right. It is. That’s because I haven’t been myself the last week and a half or so. And to be honest, I haven’t been myself…for the past 15 years.

I confide in my parents, sister and some close friends, but really I don’t share much about it because I feel kind of crazy. I feel like a hypochondriac. It’s my health (or lack of sometimes) and I have no idea what causes it and have yet to find a doctor who knows either. This time I won’t stop at “I Don’t Know.” I am on a mission to find answers.

Because this is a faith based blog and my number 1 goal is to always be transparent with my readers, I want to share with you that I am struggling. I am struggling to find a balance or an answer.

Are you lost yet?

Starting in 6th grade with SEVERE constipation (sorry for the TMI) and growing into more symptoms and -more often- ever since then….. I have had my fair share of ER visits, doctors appointments, tests and uncertainty.

In 2007 I experienced my first big episode since 6th grade. I was dizzy, would fall asleep driving (we are talking about driving just across town), had chest pain, heart palpitations and shakiness. The doctors did tests but found nothing. I was healthy and normal.

Again, in 2010, I experienced a few months where I was super dizzy almost passing out, having hot flashes, chest pain and heart palpitations again. The doctors ran even more tests and did find some irregular heartbeats and put me on some medicine…..that made it worse. To the point they couldn’t find my pulse in the ER. After that visit with my doctor where his face turned ghost white because he admitted he gave me too high of a dose – I stopped all efforts to see a doctor and GAVE UP.

In 2014 after our honeymoon, I found myself in the ER because I literally could not walk. Severe constipation again.

With each pregnancy my symptoms would reappear and get worse. It was very hard to work or even get ready in the morning due to the dizziness. I would go into the doc or ER and they would give me fluids and send me on my way.

In 2015 I was pregnant with our son and had the “normal” me symptoms of dizziness and hot flashes, added some spider veins and severe itchiness but I was pretty used to it and tried my best to make it through.

Towards the last few months of pregnancy I just felt like something wasn’t right. I sat in the OB office and bawled, telling her how I really didn’t feel good and requested she recheck my due date or do an ultrasound or something! She said she would not change my due date and refused me an ultrasound. Let me just add in that she had pushed it 2 weeks out from the original one which meant 2 more weeks of this horrific pain! I even went to the ER feeling like maybe I was in labor or something and requested an ultrasound. They refused me one there too. I got desperate enough that I called my previous OB who was no longer delivering and asked for his advice. After a long chat on the phone, he so selflessly offered to assist in the c-section. Boy did he save my life!

Come the day of my scheduled c section……we found out in the middle of surgery that I had a hole in my uterus big enough to deliver our son out of without an incision!!! Right then and there, I promised myself that I would no longer ignore my gut feelings and I would demand answers when I didn’t feel right! It’s a miracle our son and I made it out not only alive, but with NO complications. Praise God!

Following this experience I fell into post partum depression. For a few months- but it felt like YEARS! Terrible. I lost all interest in life and my family. I also had spinal headaches and had to get a blood patch that was very painful and pretty much locked up my back for a few days. I couldn’t move. I also had my tubes tied, when they found that my uterus was attached to the lining of my abdomen with scar tissue making for a longer surgery. But we made it out ok and I was ok with that!

I had also started back to work and noticed my vision wasn’t the 20/20 I had always had. Signs were starting to get blurry. I went in and got a prescription and some new glasses, only after a week of trying to get used to them they just weren’t working. I went back in to try and correct the prescription with no luck. I returned the glasses and have just dealt with the blurriness when it shows up. It is not all the time. I also had an episode at work where all of a sudden I just couldn’t handle it. I sat and cried and felt shaky and disoriented and dizzy and was sent home.

After recovering from that whole ordeal, life was great! I felt like myself again! In fact, feeling very optimistic about the future! In between “episodes” I always feel great. I feel like I can take on the world!

Then about 5 months later, I was taking a marketing class at the local college and started to get a headache. No biggie. Ok, that’s a lie. The headache got so bad. I started to get super shaky and disoriented. I tried to drive the 30 mins home but made it 5 mins, stopped on the side of the highway and called my husband. I had no idea what was going on! A whole list of symptoms I won’t bore you with sent me to the ER where they pretty much just blew me off and prescribed me Dramamine for my dizziness. I am calling this episode a panic attack for lack of any other information from doctors on what it could have been. I felt like I had a heart attack.

Now here we are – 4 months later and I am having new symptoms along with old ones and feeling so unlike myself I’m at a loss. I am getting clumsy, knocking things over and mis-aiming when I go to grab things. I have flushing in my face where I turn bright red and have a burning sensation. I feel like bugs are crawling on my scalp. I am freezing all day then having night sweats at night. I am dizzy pretty much 24/7 and having a hard time remembering what I’m doing. I have tingling in my back and severe itching in my right leg from the knee down. I have headaches often and fatigue. I am usually passed out on the couch by 8 pm.

I am waiting on insurance to go through any day now so I can start seeing a new doctor and get to the bottom of this. 15 years is too long to suffer and have zero answers. These “episodes” are getting more frequent and adding on more symptoms and all I really want is to be healthy so I can take care of my babies and husband and write this blog like my heart is hungry for!

Now maybe this is a mistake on my part, but I have been doing a little research. I confided in 2 friends – one who got diagnosed with Lyme disease recently and another who just got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis last January. I have researched each of these diseases and many like them and started looking into my family tree. My grandfather on my dad’s side suffered from Spinal Atrophy, which doctors thought was MS due to lack of MRI’s back then and I have very few memories of him using a walker, most memories are of him in a wheelchair. From my research, what he had is genetic.

Because this is a faith based blog and my number 1 goal is to always be transparent with my readers, I want to share with you that I am struggling. I am struggling to find a balance or an answer. Do I continue to dig in, research and find answers? Or do I have faith, like I am always talking about in my posts? Do I trust that God will heal me and cease all efforts to find answers? Does God want me to find answers so that my story can be a testimony of faith and healing for others? I am honestly in a period of uncertainty and I would love your grace during this incredibly confusing time. I have a deep, deep passion for this blog and all of the studies and posts that are part of it. I want to continue to bring hope to others through the story telling of my experiences and the transparency through which they are told. Please pray for me and our journey together as believers.

MUAH!! Thank you all.

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25 Days of December: Matthew Chapter 15

Good morning everyone! Well it’s 11 am here, but no matter what time it is there I hope you have found time to sit down with the drink of your choice and enjoy this chapter with me! I am feeling especially grateful for this study today after watching videos of the tragedies currently going on in Syria. It is paralyzing to watch. How big of a blessing it is for us to have the freedom to sit down and read through scripture!

This is post #12 in the 25 part series where we are studying the book of Matthew in hopes of finding some “soul food” during this season of busyness and distraction!

The main points we will be going over today are:

  • What goes in means nothing. What comes out defines a person
  • Those who remain faithful against all odds will see breakthrough
  • Jesus had compassion for those who showed endurance 

 

  • What goes in means nothing. What comes out defines a person

Matthew 15:17-20 (NIV) explains this idea as a physical metaphor: “‘Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of a person’t mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts – murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.'”

(“Defile” means to make unclean or spoil)

I see the metaphor in these verses. Just as someone ingests food or drink, they can attend church every Sunday but if it is not digested and regurgitated (sorry for the image!) then nothing will come of it except for waste. The word and our studies must not only be taken in but it must be processed and used again. We must put our studies to use! What good is our knowledge if it is not shared with others?

  • Those who remain faithful against all odds will see breakthrough

Matthew 15:26-27 (NIV): “He replied, ‘It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.’ ‘Yes it is, Lord,’ she said. ‘Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.'”

I struggled with these verses, because I didn’t know how Jesus (the sinless, compassionate person that he was) would ever choose certain people (children in the metaphor) over other people (the dogs). I looked into it and learned that Jesus was on special mission to share the word with the Jews now and then the gentiles later. He was simply saying that it was not fair to take time and lessons away from the Jews in front of him and get distracted with a different mission at this time. However, the gentile lady remained persistent and even broke the law of that day to go to Jesus and beg for his help. Through her persistent faith, Jesus rewarded her and gave her what she had asked. When she says even the dogs eat the scraps from their master’s table, she was saying that she would take anything he was willing to give to her even if it was leftovers. She was hungry and if scraps were what she got, she would beg until she got even a taste of the food the master had.

  • Jesus had compassion for those who showed endurance

Matthew 15:32 (NIV):” Jesus called his disciples to him and said, ‘I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.'”

To me, this talks about the people who have been faithful in listening to the word and following His lead but have not seen breakthrough or are suffering through their current circumstances and are becoming weak. Jesus has compassion for these people and wants to give them not only what they need but more! He wants to fill them up, make them strong again and give them enough leftovers to share with others!

 

How I lost 12 pounds in 5 weeks without products or diets

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Disclaimer: this is not a product advertisement or way to get you to buy into a scam in order to lose weight and then still be unhappy when you finally do.

The picture is only a way for you to truly believe the very cliche things I’m about to tell you. I don’t do extreme exercise. I don’t starve myself or even really limit myself. I don’t take any supplements, energy boosters, protein shakes or diet pills. These are my results after 5 weeks. What do I do then, you ask?

  1. I rest when I’m tired (instead of taking energy supplements). I try to get to bed by 10:00.
  2. I wake up at 5:30am and go for a WALK (not even a jog) and enjoy the fresh air, quiet time and, sometimes, company of a friend.
  3. I eat every 2-3 hours. Mostly simple foods (sweet potatoes, almond milk, fish, chicken, cottage cheese, eggs- yes the whole egg, organic jam, local honey, chia seeds, almonds, dark chocolate chips, beans, carrots, celery, Ezekiel toast…..to name a few healthy options). Notice how salad wasn’t listed? Not that I don’t eat it, but it’s not my entire or even half of my “diet.” And guess what!? I cheat 2-3 days a week! I just don’t go overboard. I have Reese’s ice cream and apple pie and real, fatty, made from scratch gravy and cookies etc. I don’t cheat for the whole day. And if I do, I don’t feel guilty or over exercise because of it.
  4. I carve out quiet time for myself, to read, journal, color….whatever suits my mood that day.
  5. I try to do 1 thing a week that will help simplify our lives (clean out a closet, organize the filing cabinet, clean the yard….whatever it is.) The rest of the house is a mess?? So be it. I have young kids and that’s a given during this season.
  6. I’ve learned to forgive people I’ve held a grudge against my whole life. This is a HUGE one! As I’ve been known to eat my feelings.
  7. I budget. Or try my best. Dave Ramsey is a Christian based budgeting plan. Love it.

These are all things God has given us to cope, but we’ve sadly been trained to turn to the world for answers instead. Dieting, over exercising, negative self talk, sex addictions, overspending, drinking, smoking, keeping up with the Jones’. Whatever it is we do. And I say WE, because I still get very tempted to go back to these things sometimes!

Just turning to a more simple life has shown me more results in more areas of my life than ANY other thing I have ever tried!

I hope these things for you. I hope for contentment. ❤️