The human mind is a great mystery, constantly being studied. Is it a part of the human intelligence we haven’t yet discovered or is there some mystery part of us that makes discoveries and acts on them without us even realizing it? Like this secret confession I’m about to share with you.
I kept it secret for so long, I hadn’t shared it with anyone else….or even myself until yesterday. The memory of going into a colonoscopy/endoscopy 2 years ago and actually looking forward to the feeling of being put to sleep. It would be painful and uncomfortable to be awake during the procedure, sure. But it was more than that.
I had no anxiety about the procedure itself – instead it was a longing. To be so unaware, the experience would be not only be blocked from memory but would never even make it there. No chance at being recalled or relived.
What is both the parallel and paradox of being awake during my abortion and then again during my 3 c-sections? Experiencing the closing of my heart, the numbing and ignoring of pain and then later the opening of my arms and awareness of new life….all awake.
Then following putting my heart to sleep and sending my soul on a search for a home. The home to which God stood knocking on the door. Not only was I not answering, nobody was home. She was out, nomadically searching for something she felt she did not yet possess. A familiar feeling to most, I think.
The best news is: I serve a God who isn’t satisfied with waiting outside the door. He goes on a hunt of His own. Knowing where I am…but pursuing my heart incessantly.
And only through great pain, would I later experience His love in ways I could never imagine. A fullness and depth I only dreamed of finding. Imagine that hurt so deep and wide and dream of a love deeper and wider than even that.